My eyes are swollen. My heart aches, my body aches. I have a tear that begins at the top of my head that bisects and divides me to the end of my spine. I am two pieces that do not fit. I cannot turn right or left, go up or down or see which way is forward. I see depth and blackness. I see a thin halo of yellow white at the edge of my vision. I see the ground, and a thousand feet beneath and feel myself rushing towards it like mindless food spooned into a mouth. I am very depressed. I have been depressed for the past 20 odd years. I require medical attention and appropriate focused care. I would like more energy, physically, mentally. It is so difficult to speak, when I try to talk, the words get jumbled up or I forgot what words to use. I could pull out of this darkness if I knew where I was going when I got out of it. I need to believe that there is something else in the world besides pain in order to move towards it.