Modalities of therapy

Dialectic behavior therapy- structured, customizable, concrete steps with homework.

Cognitive behavior therapy-
Short term, addresses conflict concretely, homework

Hypnotherapy

Deep massage

Accupuncture

Deep meditation 1-2 hrs per week min

5

What would a positive outcome look like?

-more social
-sense of direction with career goals
-a socially, intellectually stimulating job
-being creative again
-further education
-spiritual development and consistent practice
-etc

-consistent exercise
-healthy diet

4

My personality feels broken, its difficult to be witty, or to even have basic back and forth discussions. I've lost my sense of humor and my unique use of language.

I live in a constant state of understimulation. I feel listless and bored every day. If i had a week to myself, i would probably sleep almost the whole time. When I read books or even magazine articles my eyes blur and can't focus.

I wanted to feel a sense of community with others, but can't manage to go to meditation or their retreats.

I've feel like i have been alone my whole life. There is nothing or no one to satisfy my emotional, intellectual, or spiritual needs. I have been deprived of these needs for many years.

School classes only go as fast as the slowest student, and so I was bored to death for 16 years of primary school and 4.5 years of college. My next degree would best be online so that I can go as fast as I want. Now my brain has significantly slowed down. I feel like i wouldn't catch up if i went to school. 

I want to get out of this sinkhole of despair and doom but it looks like the only direction is down, the more I try, the harder I work, its like moving around in quicksand, which makes you sink faster.

2

What happened that day?
Well I began to sob uncontrollably and heavily. Then, I rambled on and blurted out my feelings and anxieties. My heart raced as if it were in a state of danger, I began to sweat heavily, my vision became blurry around the edges. I cried until I was too physically drained to continue and needed to be taken home. Then I was in a state of discomfort, like having a headache but feeling foggy and confused as well.  The mental unease continued for two days. I was exhausted so I slept, I took an extra nap yesterday.

1

I will start from the beginning, I do not have the best autobiographical memory but I remember a childhood. Remember being in fear of both my parents screaming at/criticizing me on a regular basis, so much so that I felt too scared to make a mistake in front of them. It was really the father that was the critical one and made fun of all of us, mother, myself and the siblings. We were mocked for being stupid or dressing a certain way or not cleaning a certain appliance correctly, etc. And the mother yelled at us to take out her stress of being mistreated by father.  And I  was criticized the most for being the oldest, and not perfect as a role model to my siblings, criticized for being soft-spoken, for wanting to draw.  I was picked at verbally so often, I thought father's true goal was for me to stop existing, because it seemed that nothing I could do or say satisfied him.  He also enjoyed smirking and laughing at me when I became visibly upset.  The physical punishment did not hurt, because he did not want to leave marks because that would get him noticed by my school teachers. As long as the abuse is only verbal, the authorities did not really care.  For example, I had a counselor tell me that the only solution was to move away when I go to college, or my mother should move out. 

Well here's the thing with that suggestion: my mother was given massive clues from her family that my father was no good, that he was a weird person or some other similar statement. When he physically and verbally hurt her for the first time, that was when I was born. She had the option to stay with her family who wanted to help. She has five other siblings, four of them have their own houses. And the legal system is designed to be on the woman's side in these domestic cases, with housing, and child support, so that she could have money to raise us without ever seeing my dad again.  She did not take up any of these solutions, but continued to have children with this person, and complain to us all the time how bad he was, but however, since he's our father, we should love him.  Also be against him and hate him at the same time.  I told her, if he's so bad why can't we just get away from him. I gave her legal resources that were free and my other sister offered to help. She did not want to do any legal action, because it would be "embarrassing" for her reputation or appearance or something.   Anyway this type of confusing thinking is one of the causes of my craziness. She did eventually move out after long after producing four children with this man, and she left us all alone with him. I was twelve at the time, and my three siblings were much younger. 

With her gone, there was more housework for me to do and an intense feeling of abandonment and loneliness started. She did come to visit a couple times a week, but I still felt abandoned. Also there was more yelling as I was now the primary object for my father to take out his stress on.  The constant antagonizing behavior, telling me how expensive it was to feed and care for us, and how much we didn't appreciate him.  I felt like no one loved me and I was a burden, and no matter how much I tried to do well in school or clean the house, I would never be considered competent, intelligent or useful. I think I looked like a wilted bird, wandering slowly from place to place, my head always looking down, shoulders slumped forward. There was nothing to look forward to in life. I read the fiction books at the library, and imagining I was somewhere far away.  The more hours I spent reading, the more time I didn't have to spend around my crazy father and boring classes went by more quickly.

Then certain other things happened to me during this wonderful time period, which I do not currently have the capacity to remember, my brain has literally erased it and left a white space.  I remember having anal scarring and having intense pain when going to the bathroom, and going to the doctor and finding out I contracted gonnorhea but having no idea how.

One of the nagging thoughts that constantly plagues my mind: with the intellect and energy I had, I could have went to a reasonably prestigious college, or had a good scholarship that I would not have to pay back later.  But my father was bent on making sure he hindered me in every possible way; because he didn't achieve his bachelor's and blamed it on his children, he wanted to ensure that we didn't achieve more than he did.  My mother knew nothing about the college application process and insisted I could figure it out on my own. Meanwhile, my classmates in the honors classes were having their parents pay for prep courses, taking them to visit schools, and teaching them how to drive. And I was navigating an immense life changing decision process entirely on my own, and I felt so bitter that had no help during this difficult time. That yet again my parents failed to be parents, but selfish adults that couldn't fix their own problems or put their own crap aside to pay attention to their kids. 

I did go to my local state college on a half scholarship, which is good because I only have a couple of federal loans to pay back, and with those you can take forever and ever, because they'll get forgiven anyway. And I did finish my degree.  However, I was under chronic psychological distress and never really managed to pull off consistent good grades or go to extra curricular activities. I was busy being a hot mess, crying almost every day, writing weird-ass poetry, and often hurting myself, and having to physically recover from it. The weird- poetry was so bad it was totally deleted, it was pretty embarrassing stuff.

The lesson of my life so far is to stop jumping out of one bad situation into another one.  Instead of leaving a situation abruptly because it is unbearable, I should stop and think of a way to repair the situation or think critically before moving to another situation

Anyway, I believe it was my upbringing that altered my brain chemistry and caused me to develop mental disorders; I have diagnosed myself with major depression, anxiety, ptsd etc.  I live in a constant depressed state. I cry randomly from built up anxiety.  The anxiety is tied to constant fear of failure and an intense need to be perfect to avoid criticism.  Then the realization that I am not, nor can be perfect, leads to low self esteem, and low desire to improve.  I do not self injure as often but occasionally I will under extreme stress.  I would keep going as long as I can but if my mind can't take any more stress, I will just pop and it doesn't matter where I am, even at work, or in public places.
 
I have no idea why I am writing all of this down now. Why does it matter? How is this information helpful? Have I just started processing it? A Zen master that is also a worldly university literature department head once told me that the only way out of pain is through it. So am I now able to go through this pain, like a rocket punctures the blackness of space? When and how did I obtain this strength?

Somehow I am surviving each day.  I will be a different person than my parents were by facing my problems head-on, instead of blaming others, or trying to escape.  I realize that I am a full and capable adult now, I do not need anyone to take care of me, that I can make it on my own. I have always had to be my own parent, my parents just did not have the skills to do it properly.  This was very hard for me to realize, but I finally see that I have a lot of strength and resilience, and ability to adapt. I will just continue to make my own way and solve my own problems. The only way out is through.

 

Traditional Chinese medicine degree programs

http://www.thebestschools.org/blog/2012/09/11/10-acupuncture-schools-u-s/

Types of natural medicine:

Chinese herbology
Western herbology
Chinese accupuncture
Japanese accupuncture
Qi regulation
Reiki
Yoga
Massage
Vegetarian- Buddhist diet
Meditation
Ikebana- mindful flower arrangement
Sauna and hot baths
etc.

My eyes are swollen. My heart aches, my body aches. I have a tear that begins at the top of my head that bisects and divides me to the end of my spine. I am two pieces that do not fit. I cannot turn right or left, go up or down or see which way is forward. I see depth and blackness. I see a thin halo of yellow white at the edge of my vision. I see the ground, and a thousand feet beneath and feel myself rushing towards it like mindless food spooned into a mouth. I am very depressed. I have been depressed for the past 20 odd years. I require medical attention and appropriate focused care. I would like more energy, physically, mentally. It is so difficult to speak, when I try to talk, the words get jumbled up or I forgot what words to use. I could pull out of this darkness if I knew where I was going when I got out of it. I need to believe that there is something else in the world besides pain in order to move towards it.